Looking Lost
by AddictionGoneAwry
Summary: The sequel to singing starstruck. Takes place ten years after the first story ends. It's written differently than the first one as well. Minor OC


**First off: I'm sorry. For a lot of things. I'm sorry that this took so long; I'm sorry that it's not very good; I'm sorry it's not written the same as the first story. I'm just... I'm really sorry. Second: I hope this at least ties up some of the loose ends from SS, but I make no promises.**

* * *

Hikaru Hitachiin was more than tired. He flopped gracelessly onto the park bench. He folded his legs, dragged one of his feet into his lap and poked at it through the holes in his shoes. The callouses on his feet were thick, but they still ached with exhaustion. He had been walking too long.

He looked horrible, he knew. His clothes were ragged. They hung off his body in an unflattering drape. His skin was undoubtedly dirty; a few shades darker with grime than was natural. Or maybe that had more to do with the tan he had acquired from so much time spent outside. He had hacked most of his hair off a few weeks ago to get rid of the gum he'd accidentally slept in. And the bags under his eyes and the hollowness of his cheeks gave him a sallow look. He looked haggard and _old._

_'If Kaoru could see me now.' _

He wasn't prepared for the feelings that still bowled him over from any thought of his brother.

He hadn't seen his brother, his twin, in over ten years. The ache of missing his brother throbbed painfully behind his ribs as a constant reminder of everything he'd done wrong.

"What happened to you?" The question came out of nowhere, and Hikaru jumped. The little boy cracked a smile. His blond hair shone in the sunlight, and his eyes were mischievous.

Hikaru eyed him wearily, relaxing only a little when the boy simply continued to smile sweetly. "What do you mean?"

"You look like you got hit by a bus."

"Charming. You want something kid?"

"Well," He lost his smile, rocking back and forth on his heels "you also sorta look like my daddy." He mirrored Hikaru's weary expression, and Hikaru had to blink a few times to get rid of the image of himself staring back at him. Of Kaoru. He wouldn't cry, not in front of the kid.

"Yeah, well, speaking of your daddy, shouldn't you go find him or something?" He got a shake of the head in return.

"No. I'm here with my uncle." He pointed to a blond, far at the other end of the park. But hurrying toward them. Hikaru rolled his eyes.

"Fascinating." He ducked his head as the blond man got closer, not up to dealing with some asshole angry at him for even _thinking_ of talking to the kid. He settled his features into an uncaring sneer, waiting for the demeaning remarks to start. The kid spoke before the man had even reached them.

"Uncle Tamaki!" Those two words put ice in Hikaru's blood. He chanced a look up, and his stomach dropped. It was Tamaki. It was exactly the man the name had brought to mind. It was the blond goofball that Hikaru had resigned himself to never seeing again. It was the man who had told his brother that he had... had died. He didn't know whether to hug him or kill him. He settled on fleeing. "Doesn't he look like my dad?"

He hadn't even made it to feet before he was being pinned in place by a hand on his shoulder. He met familiar eyes and an even more familiar smile. If Tamaki was surprised to see him he hid it well. "He does, doesn't he? Why don't you go play on the slides while this nice gentleman and I talk, okay?" The blond child looked put out, but agreed. Hikaru waited, but they didn't talk. Tamaki stared at Hikaru, and Hikaru stared at the ground.

It took all of his will, but Hikaru steeled himself and met the gaze drilling holes through his head. He couldn't bring himself to smile as he said a small "Hey, boss."

Tamaki wrapped him in a crushing hug without any warning, scrawny shoulders popping at the joints. He had his face buried in Hikaru's short and uneven hair. He was clutching at handfuls of Hikaru's sweater as if he let go, Hikaru would bolt. Hikaru couldn't say at this point he wouldn't have.

"It's been so long Hikaru!" Tamaki exalted, pulling back. Hikaru thought he could see tears in the corner of the blonds eyes, but he was being crushed back into a hug before he could be sure.

After finally having squirmed his way out of the hug he took his seat on the bench again. Tamaki sat next to him. Hikaru kept his eyes on the floor.

He had never really forgiven Tamaki.

"So..." it was a stilted and awkward attempt at conversation, but the silence was even worse "the kid. He called you 'uncle' Tamaki..." He let the sentence trail off, question clear in his voice.

He wanted to know, but he didn't think he'd like the answer.

He couldn't stop his feet from tapping.

He was anxious.

He wanted to run.

"His name is name is Kazuki." Tamaki's voice was like a balm to Hikaru's frayed nerves; calming. It shouldn't have been. It should have set him on edge, not soothed him. But it was familiar, even after so many years. Hikaru hadn't had enough familiar in his life lately. "He's Kaoru's." The calm fled from his body in a mad rush with the mention of his brother. Tamaki was watching him out of the corner of his eye. He spoke slowly, "I could... take you to see him, if you want, Hikaru."

Hikaru scoffed around a ragged inhale, desperately acting unfazed. He was falling apart inside, years of pretending not to care crashing down around his ears. He tried to cover it with anger. His stare was cold and accusing. "Aren't you the one who said Kaoru would be better off with out me in his life?" Tamaki winced.

"I've... I've learned a lot since then, Hikaru. And ten years is a long time to hold a grudge."

Hikaru knew that well.

"He misses you Hikaru"

"I can't"

Tamaki grabbed his shoulders. His grip was tight, panicked. Painful. "Well then at least let e help you. Come to my house. Shower. Eat. Sleep." His voice was rising as he spoke, edging close to hysteric. Hikaru glared. "Not for you," He pushed on hurriedly "for me. As the start of my penance and for my own piece of mind. Please." Hikaru's response was slow to come, but eventually he nodded. It was too tempting to refuse. Not the food, or the shower or any of Tamaki's promises, but the chance to be so close to his brother again.

There was so much he didn't know about his brother (_Kaoru had a son? He had a nephew?_). He wanted to know, he could know, and he wouldn't even have to see Kaoru.

Kaoru would never know he had been so close.

That he was alive.

He would make Tamaki promise.

It was a bad idea. He _knew_ it was a bad idea, but that had never stopped him before.

Tamaki sprang from the bench excitedly, grabbing Hikaru by the hand. He called to the young boy, who came bounding over, and they left the park.

* * *

Tamaki's place was a quaint little apartment in the middle of the city. As soon as he had stepped over the threshold, he was being handed towels and fresh clothes and being herded into the bathroom with a promise from Tamaki of dinner as soon as he was done.

He stood dumbly in the middle of the room, marveling for a minute at the cleanliness of it all. After he was done being amazed, he stripped. Only after he was out of his clothes did he realize how dirty and ragged they were. Little puffs of dirt rose from his jacket wherever he touched it. He left his clothes in a pile in the corner and stepped into the shower.

He lost himself in bliss for awhile, stepping out only when the water began to run cold. He toweled off quickly, and slipped into the clothes he had been handed. They were only a little loose on him,but comfortable and soft. They felt nice and clean.

He left the bathroom, and was immediately met with the smell of something good.. He followed his nose, pausing when he caught sight of one of the framed pictures on the wall. It was a group photo of the host club, now all adults, smiling joyfully at the camera. Kaoru had a little boy settled against his hip in the picture. He looked happy. They all looked happy. The implications twisted Hikaru's inside into something painful.

The rest of the hallway was papered in photographs. Most of them were of Kaoru and his son. He took a long time to just gaze at those. He soaked in his brother's smiling face. It was a sight he hadn't seen in a long time. He had missed it.

Eventually his hunger got the best of him and he drifted again towards the kitchen. Tamaki caught sight of him standing in the doorway and dragged him to the table. The little boy, Kazuki, was sat across the table from him, and his mouth was hanging open. Hikaru reached across the table slowly, and closed it for him. The small smile he managed was sarcastic. The kid smiled back anyway. Kazuki said, "You look even more like my daddy now." Hikaru's opens his mouth to answer,

"Kazuki? Tamaki?" and promptly snaps it shut. The sound of a door shutting heavily echoes across the silence. Kazuki looks excited. Tamaki looks guilty. Hikaru has a hard time breathing. The kid is up from the table and into the front room in seconds, shouting excitedly. That familiar, terrifying voice laughs, and Hikaru's heart swells. He moves to get up from the table, to run, but Tamaki's hand is on his shoulder and he can't go anywhere. It's a long and tense few seconds before Kazuki comes back into the kitchen, hand in hand with his father.

Kaoru looks surprised to see him.

Hikaru doesn't want to look at him.

He has his eyes squeezed shut.

Kaoru whispers "Hikaru..." and he shuts his eyes tighter. He never noticed that Tamaki had let go of him. Shuffled Kazuki out of the room. Left him alone with his brother. His twin. Kaoru.

It's quiet and he thinks for a minute that maybe Kaoru has left. That he's alone. He sort of hopes so. He flicks his eyes open, and Kaoru is still there.

His face is streaked with tears, red and blotchy. He's mouthing Hikaru's name over and over. interspersed with the word _alive, alive, alive_. Like he can't believe this is happening. Hikaru can't believe it either. He had promised he would never bother his brother again. Yet here he was. He had fucked up. Again.

The self-loathing crashed over him. Flooded him, filled him head to toe, and burst out of him in retching sobs and burning tears. His legs gave way underneath him and he crashed to his knees. Pounded the floor with his fist, apologizing over and over where he could get the words out. It couldn't have made much sense. It didn't matter. Kaoru was right beside on the floor, arms around his chest, sobbing right along with him. He clutched his brother closer, cried harder.

With every tear he shed, clinging to his twin, the numbness that had consumed his life for ten years abated the slightest bit.

He hurt.

He ached.

He felt horrible, and he couldn't have been happier.


End file.
